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Destruction of a Childhood: Parental Alienation as a form of child abuse

Friday, June 22, 2018 - PAS - Ricki Poppe - Parental Alienation Community

I wrote a 10 page essay in my social work English course I took last year. I chose parental alienation and researched my heart out and then submitted it to the judge that kept my kids from me so he would have to read it and see the mistake he made and how he hurt me and my kids. He went on sick leave shortly after I like to hope it had something to do with guilt. 

* * * * Destruction of a Childhood: Parental Alienation as a form of child abuse * * * * 

[Parental alienation is] “A child’s strong alliance with one parent and rejection of a relationship with the other parent without legitimate justification” - William Bernet

Parental Alienation has been around since the early 19"‘ century and is an ongoing issue in relationship separations where children are involved. Children are used as tools to further abuse or to exact revenge on the other parent. This paper will examine parental alienation and how it is a serious form of child abuse. This research paper will examine how parental alienation affects the child; uses a form of brainwashing, and is both mental and psychological abuse. How by destroying one of the main relationships in a child’s life, a relationship that should be safe and how it affects them. Second it will examine how it affects the rejected parent, as a form of emotional abuse; mostly mothers. Lastly it will examine why it needs to stop and awareness created in the judicial system about parental alienation. This paper will argue that parental alienation is indeed a form of child abuse and that more awareness is needed to protect children
who need the love of both parents.

Parental alienation is not a new idea (originally called alienation of affection) Bemet (2015) describes it as appearing in legal writings as early as the since the early 19"‘ century with Richard Gardner introducing the term parental alienation syndrome (PAS) in 1985. Gardner explained 8 behaviors that usually occur together in cases of parental alienation as a “syndrome”
Those 8 behaviors are:

1) Campaign to belittle the lost parent — the children belittle one parent in front of the other, eventually leading to the extreme exclusion of the targeted parent completely.

2) Baseless rationalizations for the child's unfair judgement of the targeted parent.

3) Dichotomizations of the parents — alienating parent is perceived as only good, the lost parent is bad.

4) Independent-thinker phenomenon- the children remember things differently articulating things in ways that are not in character for them.

5) Automatic love of the alienating parent — children support alienating parent

6) Absence of guilt — the children feel no guilt about losing the lost parent

7) Borrowed scenarios — the children remember things differently and articulate things in Ways that are out of character for them.

8) Generalization of animosity — parents extended family is included in the animosity.(p. 3) According to Gardner Parental alienation manifests itself as an insulting act by one parent against the other. Beverly (2013) states that large numbers of children are exposed to pressure from both parents competing with each other for the love of the child. Parents are more concerned about Who’s winning instead of concentrating on What is in the best interests of the child.(p.l54)

Parental Alienation is a game Where the alienating parent uses their child as a pawn to slight, or get even with the targeted parent. According to Nichols (2013), Parental alienation is abundant in messy custody battles. Where one parent brainwashes their child against the other, it proves the effects that we think divorce has on family dynamics. (p.663) “The concept of a diagnosable “Parental Alienation Syndrome” (“PAS”) developed as an attempt to explain this phenomenon”. (Nichols 2013) PAS and related ideas continue provide direction in the outcomes of family courts. During these extremely stressful situations, children deserve individual representation to be certain that their best interests are what’s being fought for. The court has a huge responsibility to the children to keep them from being used as pawns by one parent against the other, causing long term damage.

Parental alienation can have many effects on the child as it is considered a mental condition where a child strongly sides with one parent “(the preferred parent or alienating parent)” (Bemet 2015) and refuses to associate with the other parent (the targeted or lost parent) without reasonable explanation. According to Bernet (2015) for the child to be considered alienated, dismissal of the targeted parent must be without reasonable explanation. If that parent has been abusive or very neglectful, the child‘s rejection of that parent is reasonable and is not considered alienation. Parental estrangement is most often used to describe the rejection of a parent by their child with legitimate justi?cation. Estrangement is typically used to describe rejection due to the lost parents own actions whereas alienating is the result of the preferred parents brainwashing of the child. “Thousands of children are being systematically taught to detest one oftheir parents by the only other person whom the child should trust implicitly — in other words, the favored usually custodial parent” (Beverly 2013). The alienating parent will slander the targeted parent “by making moral judgements against the other parent’s values, lifestyle, friend choices, career decisions, or ?nancial or relational success or failures in life. This often occurs in varying degrees of depth over time, but profound none the less.

 “Like the wearing a way of a stone constantly assaulted by waves, the child’s perception of the target parent changes from its original, more positive, view ?nally conforming to the programming negative one. In such cases, the effect is almost irreversible. These beliefs become so ingrained that the parent who created them no longer has to promote them. They have been given life within the child’s own mind. So much so, that the parent may honestly report that he or she is not actively doing anything by word or deed to thwart the target parent’s elationship with the child (Steinberger, 2008 cited in Meier 2009)”.

This is why it is so important to watch for signs of parental alienation, and to take claims of parental alienation seriously, ?xing it is much more dif?cult than stopping it. When court orders are involved and give the targeted parent no footing to try and repair the damage the alienating parent is subjecting the child too, it makes the damage so much worse.

Over one million children per year are affected by divorces involving families with minor children. Solving these cases privately or through mediation is of course in the best interests for all involved parties, but all too often one or both parents are unwilling to come to a decision that suits everyone and is in the best interests of the child. Approximately 10% of those cases proceed to court for extensive litigation. Nichols (2015) explains how vile child custody cases can turn, in response to how adversarial the courts can be, added to the high emotions that come with divorce proceedings (p. 664). “Some experts argue that divorce may be “the single most traumatic experience” of a child’s life, with the potential to cause long-term psychological damage (Nichols 2013). Nichols explains how allegations of abuse or domestic violence run rampant in messy custody battles but even when that’s not the case parents are inclined to use their children as pawns against each other (p. 664). According to Gardner, PAS is a childhood disorder that is used exclusively in the context of child-custody disputes. “Its primary manifestation is the child’s campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification” (Gardner 2004).

It is a result of the mix of the programming parent’s indoctrinations and the contributions of the child to vilify the other parent. Child custody cases can be very messy, and rewards are never higher than when there is alleged abuse and one wrong decision can cause the child a lifetime of agony as well as the loss of a loving parent. Warshak (2015) states that studies have shown that in thirty three percent of entrenched custody cases, one parent was clearly at fault for LP starting and continuing con?ict. Clinical reports and some larger empirical studies describe disconcerting behaviour on behalf of favoured parents, often showing signs that characteristically are that of borderline and narcissistic psychopathology (p5-6). Warshak (2015) also goes on to say that favoured parents more than the rejected parent display controlling behaviour, rage, paranoia and a style of parenting that embroils parent-child relationships such as invasive and infantile behaviours.(p. 6) “The favoured parents programming as the primaly dynamic behind a child’s alienation is regarded as psychologically abusive, it is agreed by researchers that the behaviours of the favoured parent “constitute emotional abuse of the child” (Warshak 2015). It is so easy for the parent who is using the child to “pull the wool” over the judges eyes and make the judge think he is doing what’s best for the child, when in tum he is contributing to the abuse of the child and the targeted parent.

Parental Alienation is a form of mental and psychological abuse on the child and in tum the tar eted arent. “Parental alienation" whether direct or indirect conscious or unconscious , requires the contribution of the favoured parent’s behaviour” (Giancarlo and Rottman 2015).

According to the research of Giancarlo and Rottman (2015) in cases that are extremely dif?cult it is common that the favoured parent will convince themselves that going against court orders and noncompliance is protecting the best interests of the child, whether it is unconscious, mental illness or even a personality disorder. This shows the high levels of distortion in perception in difficult custody disputes (p. 28) “In fact, in comparison to rejected parents, favoured parents have more psychological disturbances, including histrionic, paranoid, and narcissistic personality disorders or characteristics, psychosis, and suicidal behaviour” (Giancarlo and Rottman 2015).

According to Giancarlo a main strategy used by alienating parents is to instil fear in the child who shows affection to the rejected parent, thus increasing the child’s dependency on the alienator.

Other common strategies used by the favoured parent include noncompliance with court ordered or agreed to parenting time and contact; interference with mail and phone contact; seeking restrained and supervised visitation orders; failing to pass on to the child phone calls, messages, and letters from the targeted parent; interference with access to information regarding the child such as school medial or social events limited or prevented contact with the alienated parents extended family and a prohibition from any reference to the alienated parent.

The alienating parent often has an obsession with not letting the targeted parent having any visitation rights. The alienating parent ensures this goal using any means they can. The history of mental illness in the alienator is all the more reason for courts to protect the best interests of the child by not letting the stable parent who was always there for the child be pushed out of the picture and having no ability to protect the children because courts allow the alienating parent full custody.

The alienating parent now having “won” will then neglect or continue to abuse the children, since their main goal wasn’t the best interests of the child it was only in winning and causing harm to the targeted parent.

Parental Alienation is in itself a form of brainwashing, or implanting of false memories in the child.

The alienating parent makes the child remember things differently than what actually happened. Gardner (2004) explains PAS as a disorder where children who have been programmed by the alienating continue on a path to belittle the victimized parent. This isn’t just simple brainwashing we are dealing with. The children’s own false memories contribute to and complement those declared by the programing parent” (p. 80). This is effective and harmful due to the cognitive immaturity of the child, some of the stories may appear preposterous, and this should be a red flag to the courts and professionals dealing with these children. If the other adults would pay attention to how ridiculous some of these stories are in comparison to what professionals who have dealt with these children all their lives say about the targeted parent maybe more children could be spared the pain and trauma of having one of their parents target the other.

Parental Alienation doesn’t just affect the children involved in the custody battle; it is also devastating to the targeted parent and their family.

The alienating parent doesn’t just rob the child of a loving parent but they also alienate the child from grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and basically anyone who they think will contradict the stories they’ve concocted about the targeted parent, thus robbing the child from half of their family tree who cherished their relationship with that child. According to Meier (2009) the abusive parent often berates and attacks the mother’s character in front of the children, criticizing her downfalls as housewife, calling her derogatory names, or criticizing her as a person insulting and undermining her parenting and encouraging the children not to obey her, taking active steps to undermine her activities with the children. The alienating parent will tell the child the mother is wrong, then do the same behavior themselves while convincing the child its ok when they do it, thus causing more confusion for the child. Meier discusses how vendettas against the mother of their children’s are often played out against her in aggressive lawsuits (p.234). “Custody litigation is an “ideal” mechanism for denigrating the mother by providing a forum for attacks on her dignity and competence as a mother while enlisting court personnel to join the attack” (Meier 2009).

Losing custody is the worst thing that can happen to a mother especially losing to her abuser. “When abusers do receive custody, as is becoming more common, they have thereby succeeded in inflicting a profound injury on the mother. The legal systems legitimacy of her abuser and rejection of her as a parent xacerbates the hann (Meier 2009)”. Due to the fact that a large number of abusers who gain custody use it to completely end contact with the mother of the child “termination of the mother-child bond is the epitome of destructive parental alienation (Meier 2009)”. For the sake of the child; the bond with a mother should always be preserved except in the most extreme of cases where there is obvious harm.

According to Warshak some children do have good reasons for rejecting one parent, but the favored parent eagerly encourages these negative feelings. In these cases the child’s rejection of the other parent has both rational and irrational reasons. The lost parent’s behavior may have been enough to alienate the child at the time, but the alienating parent disrupts the healing that would have occurred naturally with time and support (p. 6). Warshak explains how this doesn’t imply that the lost parent is equally responsible for the child’s alienation which has been molded in the context of mental abuse by the alienating parent (p.6). “Laying such blame on the rejected parent is analogous to ignoring the power imbalance that may exist between spouses and holding the spouse of a physically abusive parent equally responsible for the child’s injuries because she failed to protect the child” (Warshak 2015). The judge needs to take into consideration all factors of past behavior of both parents and who was always there for the child. If at all possible the bonds with both parents should never be harmed. When a child chooses not to have a relationship with one of their parents it is then up to the court to sort out whether the child’s choice is justi?ed (estrangement) or unjustified (parental alienation).

A very important syndrome that needs more awareness is that of “the threatened mother syndrome” (TMS) which according to Klass (2005) is the reaction that a mother who is the child’s major caregiver; manifests when the bond with her children is threatened. In response she will show anger, rage, she will have ?ts and use threats, manipulation, and various forms of aggressive behavior. This reaction is not an accurate perception of the general behaviour the mother usually on a daily basis and is brought on by an innate instinct to protect and keep safe her helpless children (p.189). “This well-recognized response in animals carries over to the human species, but is altered and modi?ed by cultural and social in?uences. Lack of recognition and understanding of this syndrome may lead to unfair appraisal of a mother and result in what is not in the best interest of a child” (Klass 2005). Upon further explanation Klass (2005) discusses
how anyone who works with animals knows that you never come between a mother in the animal kingdom and their offspring. Attacks from wild animals happen most often when the mother feels the safety of her young is in danger (p. 189). “This threat provokes a wild rage and unrelenting attack by the mother, often resulting in maiming or death of the intruder.

This primitive aggressive response is unrelated to the intention of the intruder, who may have wandered unknowingly between the mother and offspring” (Klass 2005). The human mother is no different and when the mother perceives there to be a threat from the divorcing father or others Who she feels are there to separate her from the ongoing protective bond she has lovingly cultivated since the birth of her child (p. 190).

When threatened; any mother will respond with anger, or aggression, which those in the legal parameters will jump to claim PAS or see her as an un?t parent. The distinguishing feature that separates TMS from PAS is that the mother is only trying to protect the bond with her children and she is no way trying to alienate the father. In order to protect the best interests of the child this syndrome needs more awareness because in many cases a mother who is only trying to protect her children can be seen as irrational and actually jeopardize what she is trying so hard to protect. Klass explains how professionals may side with the contrastingly calm and self- controlled father, believing the fathers claims that the mother is an unfit parent. A campaign is started where the father; looking to malign the mother to the courts will exploit her TMS reaction (p. 190) “TMS mothers are easy to dislike and prejudice results” (Klass 2005).

Warshak (2015) explains that how some people believe that mothers can’t fall victims to the irrational rejection of their own children and are predisposed to believe that children who do reject their own mothers have valid excuses to do so. Evaluators are then led to believe that a mothers faults that led to the rejection outweigh the influence of the manipulation on the fathers behalf and how it contributed to the negative feelings these children have towards their mothers (p. 4) More awareness is needed with the courts, and evaluators working in custody cases to bring about what are in the best interests of the child and not let perceived notions or the lies of the alienating parent cloud their judgement when it comes to the long term effects such decisions can have on the child. 

Although parental alienation happens most often with young children, it can also affect teenagers. The courts assume that teenagers are more able to deal with what’s going on than younger children, because of their more mature thought processes. “They are also better able to convince others that their wish to avoid or disown a parent is a reasonable, thoughtful and proportionate response to the treatment they claim to have suffered at the hands of the rejected parent" (Warshak 2015). In cases where judges allow teenagers to reunite with the lost parent at a time of their choice has resulted in estrangement from that parent for good. According to Warshak (2015) teenagers are still suggestible, and extremely vulnerable to outside in?uences and susceptible to immature judgements and behaviour. According to the American psychological association adolescents need to be treated differently by the legal system they should not be subjected to the same treatment as adults. “studies have reported that most children’s protests evaporate when reunited with a rejected parent, instead of appeasing child.ren’s demands, the court can order an intervention to assist children adjusting to court orders that place them with their rejected parent”(Warshak 2015).

Teenagers have many rules and expectations that they don’t always agree with and according to Warshak (2015) it is unwise to assume they don’t bene?t from shown authority on behalf of the court and their parents. Teenagers need the guidance of adults, especially those in authority. They need structure and limits as much or more than children who are younger (p. 12). These are definitely points that should be considered when judges are deciding the fate of teenage children.

More awareness is needed to protect children and targeted parents from abusive parents who use the courts to slander and defame the targeted parent and destroy the childhood of their children, even though parental Alienation only started gaining attention since the term was coined 1985 and “it is true that the actual words "parental alienation" are not in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, now in its ?fth edition (DSM-5), the concept is clearly expressed in that book. Children who experience PA can be identi?ed by DSM-5 terms such as "child affected by parental relationship distress," "parent-child relational problem," and "child psychological abuse“(Bernet 2015). It is very important to create awareness about parental alienation, for the sake of the children being used and abused and the targeted parent who is being destroyed, especially in the legal system where it is not being identi?ed and the system is being used to continue the abuse of children and targeted parents. Alienating parents cannot be swayed with logic or reason, due to their paranoia, they project their own negative qualities onto the targeted parent and portray themselves as the victim. “In some instances, a professional may not have thought to question the belief, or lack suf?cient experience and familiarity with research literature to test the accuracy of the assumption”(Warshak 2015).

“The courts should recognize a tortious cause of action for intentional alienation.

Unreasonable parental alienation occurs when the relationship between the child and the rejected parent is irreparably harmed through an intentional act by the favored parent or through a parent’s conscious indifference to the harm caused by their actions. The threat of tortious action serves as a deterrent for future activity and as punishment for the harm caused to both the child and the rejected parent (Beverly 2013)”.

Beverly (2013) also argues that if a child from an unbroken family were to display the hatred and fear characteristic of irrational alienation, treatment would be considered, so then shouldn’t children who develop the rejection of a parent to an extreme degree after their parents split up, also get the same bene?t from an experienced and logical therapeutic intervention? This is a question that all courts should think of when granting custody solely to one parent. Courts tend not to want to remove the children from the favoured parents’ home fearing more trauma but studies have shown that “despite initial protests and demands, once reunited with the rejected parent most children recover the positive feelings that had been dormant since the onset of alienation or that they did not feel free to express (Warshak 2015)”. Warranted or not, children should always get treatment for the trauma of being separated from a parent. Not only is divorce/ separation grief inducing, but add to it the complete loss of a parent, it will turn out to be the most traumatic thing that could happen besides the death of a parent.

In conclusion it is absolutely undeniable that a parent has the ability to destroy a Childs relationship with the other parent. The fact that some children especially those involved in high con?ict custody battles develop strong feelings of hatred or disgmst for the other is likely.

There needs to be more counselling for all members of a disintegrating family so that the parents can learn better ways of dealing with their bitterness and the children that are stuck in the middle can have someone there advocating for them and for the targeted parent. Judges and lawyers need more awareness regarding these conditions so that they also aren’t used as pawns to target the rejected parent, therefore giving the favoured parent even more self-pride that he was able to deceive professionals.

There should also be harsh consequences for a parent who will in fact mentally abuse their child by alienating them from the other parent and causing lasting damage to their development and their fragile growing psyche.


Adams MA, (2006) Framing contests in child custody disputes: Parental Alienation Syndrome, child abuse, gender and fathers’ rights. Family law quarterly 40(2) 315-338

Bemet W, (2015) Misinformation vs. facts Judges journal 54(3) 23-27

Beverly B. (2013) A remedy to the Crime: A call for the recognition of A Parent by a child as tortious conduct. Utah Law review journal of Law and Family studies 15(4) 153-I 79

Gardner R, (2004) The Relationship between Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and the False Memory Syndrome (FMS) The American journal offamily therapy 32 79-99 DOI — 10.1080/0l926l8049042418l Giancarlo C, Rottman K. (2015) Kids come last: The effect of Family Law involvement in
Parental Alienation Intemational journal of interdisciplinary Social Services Annual
Review 9 27-42

Klass JL. psyd and Klass JV. MD (2005)Threatened Mother Syndrome (TMS): A Diverging Concept of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) American Journal of Family Law 18 (4) 189-19]
Meier J. (2009) A historical perspective on Parental Alienation Syndrome and parental Alienation. Journal of child custody 232-25 7 DOI 10.1018/l53.794l0903084681 Nichols M. 92014) Toward A Child centered Approach to Evaluating claims of Alienation in

High Conflict Custody Disputes. Michigan Law Review 112(4) 663-688

Warshak RA, (2015) Ten Parental Alienation Fallacies that Compromise Decisions in Court and in therapy, Professional Psychology Research and Practice (46)4 DOI: 10.1037/pro000O03l Abstract: This paper discusses Parental Alienation and the effects it has on both children and the targeted parent who loses a child. It discusses alienation as a form of a child abuse and how the actions of the alienating parents can be compared to personality disorders or mental illness. It shows how it will affect the children involved now and for the rest of their lives. The steps that need to happen to prevent it and/or treat it and the importance the court has in recognizing and stopping this damaging disorder.

Source Link: Original PDF 

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Re: Destruction of a Childhood: Parental Alienation as a form of child abuse

CAS | Glen Keating Voice Page created 4/6/2018 7:12:38 AM Audience: Public

Destruction of a Childhood: Parental Alienation as a form of child abuse

Information | Dave Critchley Voice Page created 4/6/2018 7:10:23 AM Audience: Public

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