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Fathers Day 2014 is everyday for an Alienated Parent looking for a lost child

Saturday, June 14, 2014 - Fathers - Hilary

Fathers Day is fast approaching us, prior to the commercial holiday I would like to remind alienated fathers not to be reclusive or saddened by this hallmark holiday. You are a Father every day of the year, with or without your children. One calendar day where the country recognizes fathers, gather for BBQ's and purchase overpriced items does not validate your role as a father.

I am the partner of an alienated father, but I also have a story to share of another alienated man special to my heart.

My Father is an amazing Dad to my younger sister and myself, as well a superb Grandpa to my 3 boys. My Father has stood along side supporting me without complaint through my worst life moments.

I was a young mom, having 3 sons, and divorced before I was 21, My ex was a military man based a province away. My Father assumed the role as secondary parent to my boys, participating in all daily activities, school functions, school sporting events, school plays, my boys all played hockey, boxing, football, chauffeured and coached by Grandpa. Every friend, parent, teacher, counsellor, principal who associated with my boys knows my Father, and how important he is to my boys.

He is Grandpa The Great! He is my best friend, I couldn't have asked for a better Dad! 

I was born in 1977, prior to my birth and my parents meeting, my father had a short lived marriage to his highschool sweetheart. During that short lived marriage they conceived a son. To keep him anonymous being that this article is written on my recollection, not his, I will call him Wayne. 

Wayne was a toddler when my Dad left. The marriage was one of circumstance, being it was to his high school sweetheart, who's family was good friends with my Dad's, encouraging the pairing and marriage. When my Dad decided to leave his marriage he knew he faced a firestorm from all sides,  but he never imagined that he was leaving his son behind in the war.  

 
My Dad tells the story of how he met my mother like it happened yesterday, he was driving his convertible top down, she was walking down the street with her girlfriend, he couldn't stop staring at her, gazed by her beauty. He soon met her in-person at a local bar and asked her to dance, 40 years later they're still dancing together. 


I am sure a new marriage, a new child, a new home, furiated my dad's ex wife. This was not envisioned when she planned her white wedding years prior. 


Wayne was always a vital part of my childhood, his pictures hung around my home, my Dad talked about him daily. We sometimes ate cake without him on his birthdays, Dad talking about when he was born, always recognizing the special day. Christmas, Holidays all recognized by my Father. However we never physically saw Wayne, he was more like a ghost, a precious doll we could not touch, a brother I could not play with, the son my Dad longed for.  

A recurring scenario played out for years during my childhood, preparing to pick up Wayne for a visit. My Father a shift worker in a local steel mill, his ex always gave him problems about swapping visitation weekends. On the few occasions he could access Wayne, Dad would shave, I put on my favorite dress, anticipating a weekend visit with him, planning out the fun we will have.  A moment for a father to hug his son, a moment for a little sister to idolize her big brother.  However upon arrival we learned that Wayne was sent to his Aunt's or Grandparents home, playing a round of golf, out with friends, whatever the excuse made to cover the fact that Dad would not be seeing him again, he was not there. 


Dad like most alienated discouraged Fathers, went home depressed, angry, drowning his heartache and pride in a bottle of beer, glass of crown, anything to numb the recurring pain.  Fueling to the destructive fire that burned inside my Father. I confused left to wonder Why? What's wrong with my Dad? Why can't Wayne see him? I love my Daddy he is good....  


My Dad's family regularly saw Wayne, his pictures hung through my Grandparents home, his life, accomplishments and activities shared with me through my Grandparents.  They had individual relationships with Wayne, my Dad alone, was withheld from Wayne. My Grandparents were warned early into my Dad's separation that if they wanted to continue to be actively involved in Wayne's life they played by the ex's rules. My Grandmother would call my Dad regularly to ensure him that she had seen Wayne, and he was doing great, was healthy, smart, but always reminding my Dad the info needed to stay a secret. Members of my Dad's family continued friendships with my Dad's ex and relationships with Wayne. My Father unfortunately was completely deprived of any relationship with his son because he choose to walk away from his 1960's nuclear family where he was unhappy, instead he married a hippie girl, had daughter spawns, and attempted to live happily ever after.  


As Wayne grew into a teenager he could vocalize for himself that he didn't want to see my Dad. Ultimately ditching the birth name he was given, choosing to have the last name of his maternal family.  I can recall the minimal occasions I saw Wayne through my life, when I was younger I have kinder and warmer memories of laughing with him, but into adolescence he seemed bothered by me, resistant to my Father, the excitement we felt towards him was received bitterly. We live in a small town, I saw his mother regularly in grocery stores, shopping centres, she knew who I was, always frowning at me, like I was the child of evil spawn.


My sister was born in 1987 I was excited to finally have a full time sibling. When I was 15 years old at a local summer event and Wayne was running the Pop Booth. Seeing Wayne I grabbed my girlfriends hand running to introduce her to my "imaginary" big brother I always spoke of, as I rushed up with excitement, his friend standing beside him says "Sister... I didn't know you had a sister?"... Wayne says" Ya I have 2, my Dad's kids"...then Wayne called my cute beautiful baby sister by the wrong name. My heart broke a bit that day, I realized standing outside the Pop stand that this handsome teenage boy who I adored through my Fathers eyes,  was no more a brother to me then the boy serving pop beside him. 


My Father is a loved, respected, hardworking man, cherished throughout his extended marital family from his many sister and brother in laws, by multiple nieces and nephews. His friends and co-workers adore him, my Father gives $5 to the homeless man on the street then opens the door for a senior lady. My Father is a Gentleman never in my presence speaking rudely or sexually about a woman, other than chasing my mom around the kitchen.

He was deprived from his son's life, kept away from any parenting role or activities with his son by a bitter ex wife who never moved on, or remarried. My Father is a small piece of the thousands of men who have lost a child, deprived of parenting years by long toxic divorce procedures, parental/child alienation, emotional abuse, battering and brainwashing served with bias Family Law System.

I am sister to a brother I have never known. I have sibling connections with my cousins, love and memories shared with their guidance, however none of my older brother. 

The pain my father experienced from being deprived of his son changed significantly with the birth of my sons, as he took pride in himself for being the best Grandpa possible. It was always an injustice to Wayne keeping him away from such a good man, a good loving father, to deprive Wayne's future child of an outstanding Grandfather.  


Wayne has grown into a man, a Father, I hear he is successful living in The States. I have only seen him through pictures by Facebook. My sister emailed him through the last few years, curiosity. He contacts my Father now and again, my Father still gets excited when he hears info about Wayne, He gets the same look in his eye like he did when I was 5 and we were going to pick him up.  Recently I heard Wayne was having marital issues. separating from his wife. My first thought was hoping the relationship with his child didn't get estranged.
 
 
I find myself holding the hand of another Alienated Father now on a daily basis, and for the last 4 years. I witness his young daughter wrongfully deprived from her fathers love by a vindictive mother, accompanied by the Failing Family Law Institution determining parenting time on a piece of paper. I have had moments during the past 4 years that are reminiscent of childhood moments I experienced watching a loving desperate Father cry for his lost child.


Life is a circle. Fathers who are without their children on this hallmark holiday will have years to come to be celebrated with lots of love and joy.   

Today we should Stand Up for the Fathers who backed away, and didn't fight. 

Parental Alienation should be criminal. This abuse hurts the whole family system, not just the targeted parent.
 
Happy Fathers Day Daddy! I am proud to have you on my side!  ~ Hil xo  
 





 

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