I think my case is a unique dynamic because my children were locked into law through procedural technicality making them “Crown” property & denying me any rights or entitlements to raise my family. I was comprehensively raped of my statutory rights to liberty & security of person by Ontario’s treasonous child protection laws; and jurisdictional systems which miserably failed to provide me with a decent chance to mount a defense for return of my kids & prove my value as a parent. I've been litigating (going to Court) for 9 years, out of 11, to get access. I'm still legally prohibited from contact with my sons. I have not seen my boys in 8 years. This time around, I have to "self-litigate". I've been denied legal aid for 2 years in a row, on an access application. I've gone through rote appeals, without result. I invoked the Ombudsman (to investigate legal aid's decision) but no one has the authority to overturn an administrative decision. Each department is bound by it's own set of rules & regulations. I've become an identified "grey area". Always seem to be falling through the cracks & these useless agents can't do anything to help. Either way, this time I've filed the papers myself (4th try, over 8 years, for access to my sons). But I've run into some serious hardship (not an experienced litigator, in a sophisticated & complex arena; can't fairly compete against CAS defense teams & disposable resources.) I have to construct constitutional arguments & bring motions before the Court to try & get state funded counsel, just to proceed on the access application.
This whole situation has nearly consumed my children’s childhoods. They went into care at 2, 5, & 7 years of age; they are now 16, 14.5 & 11. My youngest doesn't know me (has no cognizant memory). My daughter has rage control issues, attachment problems & is emotionally unbalanced. She's gone through 8 placements in 9 years. Since being re-introduced into her life, 2.5 years ago, at age 13, I found I am surprisingly attuned to her needs; teen identity issues, peer pressure, as well as the psychological issues. I've had to learn to adapt toward her extreme reactivity....that she is/was physically one age, mentally another age, & emotionally more childlike. She's made progress...had to come to terms with some things. The most difficult is acceptance. She would fight & rage against it. She had, or still has, a very UNREALISTIC ideology (child like) about a loving, caring father who will accept her. She told me she needed to hear him say "I love you" through racking sobs & bitterness. We've struggled through alot in 2.5 years. Her defending the marital violence that I should've kept my mouth shut & not aggravated him; I could have walked away. She'd say her father is a good man & I just don't understand her. It was a HARD pill to chew...some of it "conditioning" from the paternal family (my ex-in-laws). That made me nearly ill. She also thinks she's of Mennonite heritage & bucks up against what grandma says (my mom) because to her family are those who have been there for you (I agree) not just "biological", or blood ties. We still can't get her to rationalize the difference. She is not of their heritage. Things have transposed from having access to not having anything. She inevitably found her dad; I know teens are full of raging hormones (brain chemicals) & irrational to begin with. But couple that with a very unstable child, who used to cut (Self-mutilate, suicidal ideology; had been hospitalized for it. CAS has psychiatrist place her on anti-psychotics...several courses of treatment with mood stabilizing drugs. Nothing is effective with Kels, so at 14 she elected not to take anything. I think she remains drug free-I promote the interests of "behaviour therapy", which CAS does not consider at all. It's always doctors, pills, or different doctors). I know that you know CAS does not give any positive credit...there was 1.5 years of supervised access, everything was totally fine....each time there was a minor glitch (Kelsey's emotionality, or ambivalence...she'd opt out of a visit to go to the mall with friends) CAS was right up my back that I'm doing something in the visits to deter her. The usual critique is that I'm not to speak of family, ask her about her brothers (my sons) discuss anything about her father (she was asking very hard-hitting questions); I was literally told I could not use the words "Dave, Erna, Vern-Oma, or Opa" in a conversation with her; I am not to "parent" her, proffer advice or overstep the foster parents authority in any capacity. This was all way out of line....I'm not purposely oppositional, but I maintained an attitude, time is precious (I got very little with her...2 hours/once per month. Sometimes I'd have to forfeit visits for special outings. In other words, if I wanted to take her to the fair, I'd have to roll 2 months worth of visits into one, to have 4 hours "in town" with her), she's my child & if she needs nurturing & guidance, I'm going to give it. I didn't care what CAS said, or the inference that they'd suspend or stop the visits. Even my mom has complained that all they would do is psychologically harm Kelsey more to suspend visitation. I'm sure you already know that's a "tactic". CAS can't control "free will" of adults; so they'll manipulate & control the "child" by clawing back, suspending, or terminating access.
After she found her dad, things turned into a nightmare. She'd disclosed to me about the "violence" in the foster homes. She's not only sworn at, tried to hit...scream, yell, and throw things...with foster parents. She told me one time about how she full blown, attacked the foster mom...trying to gouge out her throat. I was nearly sickened & astonished. She may have an inherent disorder (she was like this at 3-3.5; would have nuclear, raging tantrums). It reminds me so much of her father...she lacks the innate mechanism to regulate or manage her emotions (now she says she's been diagnosed as "bi-polar". idk). I was saddened & worried for her; empathized with the foster families who've had to deal with her. She's my child & I love her immensely, but I'd wondered if even I could "contain her". I know I'm best to understand her & get through. She turned horrifically foul, went sid vicious on me just after the New Year, after having accidentally found her dad. My husband verbally, physically & psychologically abused me. He was venting stuff in her ear (they'd communicate on the phone, computer & in-person; having physical contact/access). She would spit venom at me during "un-announced" phone calls (phone at random in raging, hysterical fits, cussing & swearing...incomprehensible. I couldn't speak to her). She withdrew for several months...I couldn't breathe a word, "I love you" would get attract vicious replies; I'd ask how her day was, she'd respond, "piss off, I told u to stop F'n talking to me". It got much worse, but I'm humiliated to repeat the threats. This is not who she really is....unfortunately, it's part of her character to "disregard" what she says (she'll say whatever she feels or thinks). It's like there is "no filter". I keep coaching her that what she says; the react without thinking, will cause her undue harm in life. What we say reflects who we are inside (the tongue is a weapon). CAS immediately terminated the visits, using the authority that "Kelsey has to want them, we can't force her & she says she doesn't want to see you". It became a communication void. No more contact with CAS, I couldn't get the worker to even give me an idea of how she is, or to concede that Kelsey is "way out of control". I bucked up against them for nearly 3 months, complaining that she's a protected child, she's in state care, the father has a violent/abusive history (3 other society investigations; 2 include their own department, after the marriage dissolved. 1 assault charge). My husband had a child in the first relationship. There were neglect issues; those children were nearly taken. The biggest question is how does a man with a cyclical pattern of abuse & neglect of children, who's never been to court & has 3 children who are Crown Wards without access; get to have communication with a daughter who's in care. I had to litigate for years to earn the privilege of minimal supervised access? I'm still fighting this; there's no enforcement of the order, it means nothing to local police, unless he harms her (then it becomes a criminal matter). It's all inter-departmental (CAS duty to enforce the Court order). Yet I "blink” out of line & they mail me a copy of the court order in the mail, or remind me that i can have a "restraining order" filed against me. It's BS. Things eventually got to a point where Kelsey began slowly coming around. Only because i found out she was becoming increasingly disillusioned with her father. She'd been hanging out at his house. I complained to CAS about that. She's traveling the countryside, unsupervised...I'm like, how does she get from one town to another "unnoticed"; spend the afternoon with him. Then I find out she'd found his ex-gf (the one he had the child with) & has been spending time with this woman, staying overnight, visiting with her 1/2 sister...I tried to put the brakes on that. Felt caught in the middle (this woman is neglectful & nearly lost her children whilst involved in the relationship with my husband, because of his behavior). Dave is also a sex addict; preys on vulnerable women & children. He was engaged in some bizarre behaviour, CAS knew about, his brother got involved (when he'd moved back to the area in another relationship ) & took the 15 year old girl out of their home & returned her "safe & sound" to her parents.
In the last month, after speaking with the head supervisor of CAS's dept. of Children's services, I got the impression from him that unless David tries to sexually molest his own daughter; they don't know if he presents as a threat; it amounts to "hearsay" because it's coming from me. They don't know if he's a threat; tried to tell me there's no 'proof'. I nearly lost it & yelled at the guy. I told him it's not "antique information"; shows a pattern...the law & legislation says they can make a ruling based on "future determination of harm"; that he's a sexual deviant, pattern abuser, preys on vulnerable women; has had 3 society investigations in the last 5 years (2 are their dept.). I growled at the guy, "it's all in your case file notes; you have "protocols" with area police, U CAN OBTAIN records...this is not OUTDATED information. If she COMES to harm, I will HOLD u civilly responsible". That as much amounted to a useless threat....but I'd see to it, to hold them accountable. It's so much more than the system of CAS. My new venture, is to try & figure out why there is no "enforcement" of a protection order. The law is stupid....I can't go near my daughter, but I have an access order, unless she wants the contact or visits. Kelsey won't go back to CAS & say she wants access back, because she's tired & angry with the regulation & control. She is nearly 16...so the Judge said as far as her having a relationship with her father, no one is going to stop her...not the Courts, not CAS. It's crazy. The marital violence was used as criteria in my children being made Crown Wards. But all responsibility for failing to protect the children, for not leaving the marriage, & the circumstances surrounding the children going into care, befalls me. My husband was already absent from the home. So, after nearly a decade, that has transferred to the CAS not placing any accountability on David for being a threat or harm. So, anything he has done, in the last few years in his relationships, despite society investigation & their being a case file on him, they seem DISINCLINED to use as grounds to "protect" our children from him. He has to present as a threat or harm. I would, if I could, have a restraining order brought against him...but because I am neither seen as the parent or legal guardian, I can't (under the criminal code/criminal law system). That's where CAS HAS TO BE THE ONE TO DO IT. I can threaten to hold their feet to the fire, for failing to protect her, if harm comes to her. It already has; he's been verbally abusive (toward me) causing her great, further emotional harm.
What resulted, because things finally "imploded" (imploded; an inward explosion, leveling a building or structure) between her & her dad...is that he eventually lost his temper & told her to piss off. She called me, in stunned "silence"...told me that he'd told her to F off he doesn't want to see or hear from her anymore. Then she began to sob, "I tried so hard"....she told me he was angry at the interference into his personal relationship with his present girlfriend, Sindy. Apparently Kels & his ex, Chantelle, had convinced him to break up with this woman. So, he kicked her out, but without her, he has nowhere to live...so he was trying to "salvage" the relationship. I don't think this woman wants anything to do with anybody's kids...so, he chose her over his daughter. Kelsey sobbed that he picked his girlfriend over his own CHILD..."how could he choose her over me"? I had no answers for her...but told her she'd have to try to find the strength within herself to let him go. He wants to be in control....Kelsey is too "strong willed". I begged her not to confront him (feared for her security/safety...no one is regulating or monitoring her physical interaction with him; though by all rights it's ILLEGAL ACCESS) & to not CHASE the relationship. It broke my heart that she had to learn the hard way...through the months of hostility & cursing at me...I didn't say a word about him...I've only ever tried to say that he wasn't a father or husband; that he's "dysfunctional"; can't take care of himself, therefore he could never be responsible for his family. Unfortunately, I married quite young (21) & didn't know anything about him (beyond the surface). I told Kelsey this...the expectation that he'd be a husband & father; came from what looked like a good family...therefore would possess values & sensibility; that I learnt, to devastating consequences, the more I tried to mold & shape him into being a "fit" husband/dad, the more reactive & oppositional he became (quite like her). I couldn't find the balance...then the fighting began; verbal became physical. She finally disclosed she remembers the fighting, she remembers him walking out & I'd fall apart...sitting in the bedroom closet crying (bruises on my arms from where he'd grabbed & squeezed me [the least of the injuries]) or sitting on the stairs crying (I'd hide in the closet because I didn't want the children to see. Julien always thought mommy was playing hide & seek....). Kelsey didn't say anything...just listened & poured out about the "nightmares". I told her I was disgusted that a hard plastic thing (telephone) stood between my being able to wrap my arms around her, at that moment, & nuzzle my face into her hair....to hold her & comfort her....I cried because only a phone connected us (cold & inanimate) in such a heart wrenching moment.
Immaturely I felt left out, as her MOM, even with the access....Kelsey has a former foster parent, who used to be a Social Worker specializing in "street youth", turned CAS worker...who continues to be a mentor & wonderful support in her life (I wouldn't trade Jenn for anything)....Kelsey affectionately calls Jenn MOM. She did this with me, without thinking...I went right along with it...identifying, Jenn is the ONLY person Kelsey has EVER attached to (not even me in infancy). One day, Kelsey caught the slip...it was funny & uncomfortable for her...she stumbled, "well you're mom 2 (not like I am also mom, but I'm mom #2). She fumbled again, realizing she'd done another "faux pas"...tried to cover up the slip..."well you're not second, but Jenn's mom & you're mom...". I just told her never mind, I understand...Kelsey loves Jenn...she hugs n kisses her in front of me (doesn't give me hugs n kisses) says "bye mom, love you" when leaving Jenn's car. But something occurred to me, which is kind of "butt backwards" for children with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder)....when they begin to finally open up to attachment, one teensy baby step at a time; when they finally start to "relax" & let down some of their defenses...no longer get their "back up" as often; they generally come to the PARENT when in need & someone else for "supportive care" (when they are frightened, hurting or angry). Most wouldn't see it in a positive light, when someone comes to you in misery, anger, with all their problems/secrets or questions. I had a revelation...that Kelsey goes to Jenn when she needs "fun times" & "wants stuff"; Kelsey now comes to MOM (me) when she's hurt, angry, confused, has questions....or needs someone to listen! I thought I had the least of her, yet....I think I just learnt that I have the BEST of Kels!!!! I am her MOM....Idk what to make of her expressions of affection for Jenn...she doesn't trust love (she told me 3 years ago..."I don't want anyone to love me, cause loving hurts"; and "I feel like everyone I care about has slipped away") so she won't say she loves me...if I say it to her it gets a shoulder shrug...if saying it in a conversation or text message, she responds, "whatever". Yet, she discloses to me intimate things that most parents struggle all their lives to have a teen who will tell them questions about boys, discuss sexual health or sex issues.....she can be so open with me (unfortunately she's had sex...disclosed this to me a couple months ago). She went through a turbulent time between 12 & 13; she was drinking, smoking, smoking weed...terrible, terrible...boy did I go up one side of CAS & down the other. Pathetic excuses of "we can’t' watch them every second of the day". I'd argue that's why the foster parent is the "delegate" & if she were in my care it would be immediate grounds for apprehension, not to mention further solidify my "ineptitudes" into granite.
I have no confidence that where my daughter is now she’s even getting basic nutrition. Kelsey’s not attentive to the concern for balanced nutrition like I, as her mom, am. If I bring up the question of vitamins, iron deficiency (she's a young women with irregular/heavy periods) she's annoyed & thinks I'm being too fussy. Kelsey’s a pepsi-aholic. She has to do everything for herself; I'm not kidding. CAS gives her the back to school allowance; she buys all her winter clothes, shoes (won’t wear boots; wears sneakers in the snow. Gets frozen toes & wet feet)...all her books, pens/pencils, calculators...etc. She's always complained that Val won't buy fruits & veg's cuz too much goes to waste (kels admitted she forgets about it in the crisper & it rots...but times she wants the veggies they're not available). Val used to buy everything from the dollar store, til Kels complained to her worker....I nearly had a fit. She's put on weight...has approached CAS (who's in cooperation with her) to get the foster parent to give her $30/wk. out of the grocery budget & Kelsey will buy & cook her own food. I find this over the top; because this FP does NOTHING for her. Now the kid has to be her own COOK. I have been petitioning CAS asking what the FP gets a "care allowance" for (paid good money to take care of Kels) when this woman is no more than a gate keeper? (Lets her out in the morning & lets her in at night). I think Kels may or may not have been locked out a time or two because she stayed out WAYYYY past curfew (then got screamed at & grounded for it). I've heard Val tear Kelsey apart. The screaming & f'ing her off, cussing....she was hysterical. It’s abuse, as far as I'm concerned, I don't care how much Kelsey's actions or own foul language has enraged her. I complained to CAS, nothing. They owe no duty to me, so no communication (rarely; unless I PRESS the issue) since Kelsey terminated access. I've been unilaterally having access with my daughter (with my mom's cooperation). CAS is not/was not happy with that. I told them to shut up, she's my daughter...I am a caring parent, serving her interests & when they let her cohort with an abusive, degenerate father, from whom she's supposed to be being protected...until there are enforcement provisions, I dare them to touch me or try to control Kelsey's access to me. CAS has "backed down" on that...because I've been nearly incessantly getting in their face over David. I’ve been told CAS is threatened by me...I'm not what they expect (too articulate, intelligent; have good authority/understanding of the law-mandates & operations; political advocacy). Apparently, CAS is astonished (in current litigation) of my capabilities (they underestimated me & have learnt I'm someone to be reckoned with). None of it helps restore my children to me....the boys don't get the benefit or advantage....Kelsey is slowly learning who I am as a person. I know teenage hood is all about developing a sense of self-awareness & about those around you. Kelsey is still trying to find a balance with the family dynamic (estranged relations, people all over the place via separation)...she's slowly being introduced & incorporated into the maternal family (she's only ever known her dad's adoptive family)...struggled with strong feelings of defensiveness, unwilling to accept they had any part of their being in care. It's hard for her....she's let go of the past & is looking toward the future...she's excited about her Student Youth Apprenticeship program (wants to be a baker). She's withdrawn from her dad (idk what's happening there, she won't talk about it. She's maybe not "released" him, but is angry & disgusted with him so is having nothing to do with him). The only benefit of that is, she confronted CAS & said she's afraid of her father...only after approaching them twice about it, & my incessant phone calls, have they maybe done something about it. Kelsey told me David is not allowed at the foster parents house; he is not to call her, he is not to contact her....that doesn't mean she's going to strictly abide by it...I figure eventually, she's going to calm down & maybe try it again with him. Could take several tries for her to finally get he's too self-serving.
For now...I'm working on figuring something out for her SWEET 16. All she wants to do is DRIVE....I'm shaking in fear. Kelsey is still wading through accepting her "family is broken" (words she used once)...the unrealistic ideology, she wanted everyone to be together, as a big happy family. she told me her biggest dream is that Dave & I could be at her high school graduation, in the same room together without nearly killing one another; that she wants nothing more in life to have everyone together for Christmas; how tormented she was (maybe still is) listening to all the kids talk about their happy families, & what they got for Christmas....through wrenching sobs I said, "Kelsey, I know it's not what u want...but you have LOTS of people who love you & would DO ANYTHING for you...you have family honey...they're just not together in the way you want. We're kind of scattered all over the place & I know you yearn for your brothers...you don't get to see them much; but they will always be there...just like I've always been here baby, even though you didn't know it til now. You have family Kels...we are your family"...xoxoox
I am not there, each day, to live it. Kelsey could come home, but has chosen not to. She's always apologizing, she doesn't want to hurt or offend me. I know I can't give pay for post-secondary accommodations; I have no vehicle to transport her to friends or activities...she doesn't want to give up her schooling & life; she's trying to make roots. I grieved the loss of my child, before I ever had an opportunity to have her back. I struggle on an adult scale; friends & relatives keep telling me that we'll have a strong, close relationship when she's an adult; & I'll get my second chance at "motherhood" when I'm a grandma (in the future). It seemed cold comfort...I stumbled to get beyond what I've been "robbed" off NOW. I gave birth to 3 children but I barely had an opportunity to have a family life; it was stolen from me in part because of the sickness of abuse. My mother couldn't relinquish control (still can't; she isn't consciously aware that she still tries to control my life. I can't even go shopping with her, she takes my stuff out of the cart, tells me what to get & what not to get; will replace no name products with brand names. She argues over senseless things..."I ask her who's doing the shopping & who's paying for the "higher" priced items"? If I don't agree she gets in a huff, throws things back on the shelf & storms off. This is so childish, yet she’s 67 years old. She even tries to regulate my parenting, still throws my marriage back in my face. The worst of my mom, Betty, is the years the kids have been in care; her blaming me that I chose my husband over my children, so I mustn't love them that much. I just burn inside & clench my teeth. I try not to bite back. Kels has come to see the reality of mine & my mom's relationship....that troubles her. She loves her grandma & she thinks I should respect her too. It's difficult, there is such "chaos", so to speak in the "identity" of individuals & relationships. I'd tried to shelter Kelsey as much as I could, because of her emotional issues...but she's becoming increasingly aware. She's funny & adorable, but edgy & gritty (runs in the family). She makes light of it, but shows gram, she won't tolerate her GUFF (tells her "gram, GET OVER IT"). Kelsey is a trail blazer; sets her own pace & route & follows it. She's a great girl. I just wish I could have her for a couple weekends a month...show her some proper diet & nutrition. I can relay cooking skills (simple, easy meals using healthy ingredients). If she can get some of the FP's grocery budget...I live poorly, but I eat healthier than most. I'm a very resourceful individual....I could teach her some things. Kelsey is a few weeks shy of aging out of care; she’s already begun College. I'm nervous already, because she's so enthused about transitioning to independent living. She even thinks the bag lunch, used utensils & "bed in a bag" CAS will provide her as a "parting gift" is WONDERFUL stuff. She has no idea what's in store, how much more she will need. I don't want to rain on her parade, but she still has unrealistic ideologies about the immense responsibility of independent living. She's not seeing past the "freedom"; she asserts she wants to live without authority (no rules, no restrictions, no one telling her what to do). She's in for STEP 2 of the reality shock. #1 was her DAD. #2 is going to be the day she's handed a key to her own place. I'm not sure how CAS gets her an apartment (she said they'll get her a place. Who pays, if she's in school & doesn't work...no savings??? I'm guessing they set her up on student welfare & "subsidized housing". Like where I live…
I'm not the defunct parent or individual CAS, my ex-in-laws or others who fail to understand & want to label with name calling, would portray me to be. I'm a god fearing woman who’s been on all sides (I was in care myself, for 6 months in Saskatchewan when I was 10 years old). I’m an only child; father died 15+ years ago. I grew up as a military child. My father served in the Canadian Army, then went to work for the Canadian Air Force. He did 22 years before retiring. I was born in Northern Manitoba on a military radar base; lived CFB Moose Jaw for 6 years (2 terms there; home of the Snow Birds), and 3 years in West Germany (6-9 years old). Moved to Ontario at age 12...been in Ontario ever since (through my teen & adult life I lived in Chatham, North Bay, Wheatley, & Leamington, Ontario.) I currently reside in Leamington (1997 to present) as I have no desire to be anywhere else that would place me at a distance from my children, nor do I know what to do with myself as I’ve committed to remaining “anchored” in Leamington so that my children have a sense of ‘roots’, believing they will be attracted back to the area & be confused should I not be found here…so, here in Leamington I remain, ever praying & hoping my children will come to me. Then, & only then, where life would take me; wherever God would lead me next…if that is my calling, then I would pack up & consider a change of venue.
Epilogue: its late afternoon. The C'mas parade is tonight. I expect to hear the sounds of bells & sirens soon. I do not go....I haven't been for years. I keep my window shut & the TV volume up....too painful to hear or witness....my heart remains sorrowful over the Holidays. This year is worse, because Kelsey is refusing to see me for the second C'mas in a row (2 years). Yet she will be close to where I live, to have C'mas festivities with the paternal family, her brothers Julien & Kieran, & her biological half-sister Ashlea (spending time at their homes & with their extended families). Yet Kelsey says it's too hard for her to bare, to be with me, as her mom, at Christmas. I struggle to resolve that within myself, though I understand the psychology of it. I hate that it's not difficult to spend time with Oma, Opa & Uncle Paul…but she can't be with me. It's sooo hard to rationalize, when she loves her grandparents & Uncle without exception. They're technically her "adoptive family" (my husband was adopted, these aren't his real parents, nor my children’s real grandparents, but all they've ever known). My children have no memory that I was once a part of the paternal family collective; we shared activities there as a ‘family’ or perhaps they’d have a “different” perspective on my estrangement from within this unity, by their choosing, not mine.
All my Christmas stuff things have been stored away for 9 years. I had it out/set up twice. It took 7 years before I could even think about "setting" up & decorating the tree. Even then, I did it for myself; to try & capture the spirit....it is too uncomfortable being alone, no one to see it or enjoy it. I sat C'mas 2007 & 2008 by a festive lit tree...all the trimmings, by myself. C'mas stuff everywhere & cried myself into a coma, falling asleep on the couch til C'mas day where I "be-draggedly" drug myself to freshen up cause I’d be off to the "church" for the homeless & isolated/seniors Christmas (the people who have no family & nowhere to go for the holidays. I've been attending this for the food & free gift for the last 7 years-1 rst two C'mas's after the kids went into care....one I spent alone, the next was invited to a lady's house; then nothing. Everything with the paternal family terminated cold turkey. December 2000 was the last time I had any contact with any of my immediate in-laws).
Yvonne Craig
For: Kelsey, Julien & Kieran Craig (nee: Barkovsky)…my heart, my life, my reason for being.
